All of us can face tension in relationships, but God is often working in the midst of the tension to achieve His greater purposes and provide us with friends that will stand by our side. Join Pastor Marty Baker as he walks us through the relationship of David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel 20 and encourages us with the work God can and will do through the relationships around us.
We did everything with our good friends “Ronnie and Stacey” in the 1990s: weekend dinners, game nights at home, and vacations. Our children were slightly older than theirs, but everything worked out. We’d also been married many years longer than they had, so we helped mentor them through some of their persistent issues.
Looking at them externally, it looked like they had everything: a new home, a thriving business, and good looks. Internally, however, their marriage issues took a toll on their lives. At one point, Ronnie told me, “Marty, it will be hard to believe when I tell you this, but you have never seen Stacey become what I call a wild monkey in an argument.” “Are you kidding me? Her? I don’t see her going crazy on you,” I replied. “Oh, she does, and it is not good,” he responded.
And then it happened.
I had just performed a wedding, and Ronnie handled the wedding photography as a side gig. We dismissed Liz to head to the reception at another facility in town, while we finished photos with the wedding party.
We arrived much later at the sit-down dinner and reception, so, since seating wasn’t assigned, you can imagine how many church attendees naturally wanted to sit with me and Liz. I didn’t see what happened next, but it forever changed our relationship and friendship.
Stacey waltzed in late with us and went over to the table where Liz had saved a seat for me. Instantly, Stacey realized all the other seats were taken, meaning she’d have to sit elsewhere. Jealous and envious that others were sitting with us and not her, she exploded with biting, caustic, nasty statements directed at Liz. Liz tried to calm her down, but she would have none of it and continued to chew Liz out for not saving her a seat with us.
After a few minutes, Liz walked over to the women’s restroom. Stacey followed her. Once inside, she dropped F-bombs and other vile verbal explicatives all over Liz. Again, nothing Liz said consoled her or made her stop. Liz came to me, exiting the bathroom, and informed me of what had just occurred. I immediately found Ronnie and said, “Ronnie, Liz has just seen the wild monkey, and you need to do something about it, especially since she did it in public. If you don’t address this, I don’t see how we can be friends.” He chose to do nothing, and our once vibrant friendship vaporized.
Over the years, we wanted to rebuild the relationship, but a door never opened with them. Then one day, one of Stacey’s sisters died in a tragic car wreck. Since Liz had lost her twin sister to cancer at thirty-three years of age, which was a few years before this, we sent them words of condolences, saying we understood the loss.
Eventually, we heard through the grapevine that Ronnie and Stacey would be at a pub for dinner and to listen to an 80s band, and they would like us to attend. Ah, the door to rebuild our relationship had just opened, or so we thought. After a short debate about whether to attend, we chose the higher road. But we added one test to the event. If Stacey wanted to restore our fractured friendship, she would need to approach us, not we her, after all, she was the perpetrator in need of confession.
The dinner was awkward, to say the least, because it was a relatively small, intimate setting. We saw them, and they saw us, but Stacey never once moved toward or signaled a desire to talk with Liz. The Arctic was probably not as cold as it was that evening. We left saddened because our little test revealed Stacey’s heart, but it was not what we wanted to see. We wanted to see a heart full of godly sorrow for exploding all over Liz for unviable reasons based on jealousy and envy, but that never materialized. It has now been over thirty years, and we still have a place in our hearts for Ronnie and Stacey, but they don’t have a place in their hearts for us because of pride.
David was in a situation like this 3,000 years ago with King Saul. At first, Saul loved having David around, but then one little song that praised David above Saul triggered his jealousy, envy, and wrath. Yes, one little song brought out the wild monkey, and that wild monkey sought to destroy its competition for the throne. David, however, longed for their relationship to be mended, but after experiencing multiple attempts on his life by Saul, David couldn’t have been more gun-shy of restoration; however, he did leave a door open if the situation presented itself. That occurred in what is recorded in 1 Samuel 20. Here we will learn what David did to hopefully rebuild what Saul had blasted. Here, we will also learn what to do with fractured friendships.
The Dilemma (1 Sam. 20:1-4)
When God caused Saul to prophesy uncontrollably when he went to Naioth to kill David (1 Sam. 19:23-24), the young warrior had time to flee to safety.
1 Then David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and came and said to Jonathan, “What have I done? What is my iniquity? And what is my sin before your father, that he is seeking my life?” (1 Sam. 20)
Like Liz back in the day, David believes Saul’s attack and hatred are totally unfounded and uncalled for because he hasn’t done anything. He makes sure Jonathan, Saul’s son, knows the real story.
Jonathan, being a good friend, attempted to console his buddy:
2 And he said to him, “Far from it, you shall not die. Behold, my father does nothing either great or small without disclosing it to me. So why should my father hide this thing from me? It is not so!” (1 Sam. 20)
Jonathan had not yet received intel on his father’s most recent attempts on David’s life. He was about to get educated.
Being a wise military strategist already, David, on the other hand, connected the logical dots:
3 Yet David vowed again, saying, “Your father knows well that I have found favor in your sight, and he has said, ‘Do not let Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved.’ But truly as the LORD lives and as your soul lives, there is hardly a step between me and death.” (1 Sam. 20)
David essentially tells Jonathan to wake up and smell the carnal coffee: “Your father is hell-bent on killing me.” You can also hear the fear in David’s voice. He is desperate, discouraged, and rightfully worried about how his next step might be literally his last one.
Again, like a good friend, Jonathan responds with words of comfort and loyalty:
4 Then Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you say, I will do for you.” (1 Sam. 20)
As the king’s powerful son, he could pull many strings to keep David safe. David just needed to give the word. This is most interesting. The king’s son is already acquiescing to the young man who would be the next king.
What transpires in the next section is jaw-dropping. I call it . . .
The Deal (1 Sam. 20:5-24)
Since this is a lengthy passage, permit me to read it, and then we will reevaluate and offer some salient observations and applications:
5 So David said to Jonathan, “Behold, tomorrow is the new moon, and I ought to sit down to eat with the king. But let me go, that I may hide myself in the field until the third evening. 6 “If your father misses me at all, then say, ‘David earnestly asked leave of me to run to Bethlehem his city, because it is the yearly sacrifice there for the whole family.’ 7 “If he says, ‘It is good,’ your servant shall be safe; but if he is very angry, know that he has decided on evil. (1 Sam. 20)
Monthly, Israelites offered burnt offerings with the appearance of a new moon (Num. 28:14). The whole event dripped not just with worship, but with food and joyous festivities (Num. 10:10). As King Saul’s son-in-law, David should attend the new moon meal. However, given Saul’s current dangerous actions, David rightfully thought his presence might not be optimal. Yet, Saul’s recent divinely inspired actions as a prophet might have changed and softened his heart. David wanted to believe that. So, he did want to attend the dinner with the hope that the ruined relationship could be restored, but his presence wasn’t that simple. Hence, like we did with Ronnie and Stacey, David set up a test to determine whether Saul wanted to rebuild the once great relationship, or blast it to infinity.
David’s plan, of course, involved a lie. He didn’t know his father missed him, nor did anyone in the family ask him to come for a visit on the day of the New Moon sacrifice. This was a false scenario designed to determine whether Saul was interested in restoring relations with David or destroying him. On the one side, we can say David should have just told the truth, and I would agree. However, to protect his life, David used what we call Graded Absolutism to present a false situation in order to protect his life, which is a higher moral imperative.
This was a lot to ask of the king’s son. If discovered, lying to the king’s face for David would have immediately shown that Jonathan’s loyalty rested with David and not with his dad. Given his father’s unpredictable and violent behavior, Jonathan must have known this was a risky enterprise. The only way David could rightfully ask Jonathan to go on this dangerous, but necessary mission, was based on their covenanted friendship:
8 “Therefore deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the LORD with you. But if there is iniquity in me, put me to death yourself; for why then should you bring me to your father?” (1 Sam. 20)
Note how David humbles himself before Jonathan by labeling himself as “your servant.” By saying this, he underscored how he was not about doing anything to harm Jonathan or to damage their special friendship negatively. Translated, David just told Jonathan: you can trust me that my heart is pure in this test. If he wasn’t truthful, he invited Jonathan to take him out.
Jonathan would have none of this talk, for he, too, was a loyal friend who wanted things to be better between David and his off-the-rails father:
9 And Jonathan said, “Far be it from you! For if I should indeed learn that evil has been decided by my father to come upon you, then would I not tell you about it?” (1 Sam. 20)
The answer is “yes,” he would tell David of any plan to kill him because that is what friends do. They protect each other.
Then things in this deal get interesting. David wants to know more details about how they will pull this test off:
10 Then David said to Jonathan, “Who will tell me if your father answers you harshly?” 11 And Jonathan said to David, “Come, and let us go out into the field.” So both of them went out to the field. (1 Sam. 20)
Why did they head out into an open field? Saul’s spies were everywhere and could easily overhear their private discussion within the city. Out in a field, there was greater privacy in devising their plan.
12 Then Jonathan said to David, “The LORD, the God of Israel, be witness! When I have sounded out my father about this time tomorrow, or the third day, behold, if there is good feeling toward David, shall I not then send to you and make it known to you? 13 If it please my father to do you harm, may the LORD do so to Jonathan and more also, if I do not make it known to you and send you away, that you may go in safety. And may the LORD be with you as He has been with my father. (1 Sam. 20)
Immediately, Jonathan underscored his loyalty to David. He promised to ensure that David would quickly learn if the test proved positive (in David’s favor) or negative (against David).
Jonathan, then, turned and made this amazing request of his friend:
14 And if I am still alive, will you not show me the lovingkindness of the LORD, that I may not die? (1 Sam. 20)
וְלֹ֖א אִם־עוֹדֶ֣נִּי חָ֑י וְלֹֽא־תַעֲשֶׂ֧ה עִמָּדִ֛י חֶ֥סֶד יְהוָ֖ה וְלֹ֥א אָמֽוּת׃ (1 Sam. 20:14)[1]
Translated: If this test goes well and you and my father are restored, will you remember to show “lovingkindness,” or hesed to me? Hesed is the pivotal word in the OT that denotes loyal love that is unbreakable and is based on deep, abiding love.
Next, Jonathan asks David not to wipe out his family line, as new ancient kings were prone to do, when, not if, God installed him as the divinely anointed ruler:
15 And you shall not cut off your lovingkindness from my house forever, not even when the LORD cuts off every one of the enemies of David from the face of the earth.” (1 Sam. 20)
How ironic. David feared Saul, and now Jonathan feared David because he knew, contrary to his father, that nothing would stop David’s coronation because God had decreed it. Pragmatically, however, he just wanted reassurances from his friend that their friendship would transcend David’s coronation, meaning he and his family would be safe and secure in the new dynasty.
Once Jonathan got this all out in the open, we read:
16 So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the LORD require it at the hands of David’s enemies.” 17 And Jonathan made David vow again because of his love for him, because he loved him as he loved his own life. (1 Sam. 20).
What just happened? The two friends merely renewed their friendship. Everyone needs a friend like a David or a Jonathan who will stand by you when you face a wild monkey.
With these friendship formalities out of the way, Jonathan then set out to crystallize the test to determine if his father was for or against David:
18 Then Jonathan said to him, “Tomorrow is the new moon, and you will be missed because your seat will be empty. 19 “When you have stayed for three days, you shall go down quickly and come to the place where you hid yourself on that eventful day, and you shall remain by the stone Ezel. 20 And I will shoot three arrows to the side, as though I shot at a target. 21 “And behold, I will send the lad, saying, ‘Go, find the arrows.’ If I specifically say to the lad, ‘Behold, the arrows are on this side of you, get them,’ then come; for there is safety for you and no harm, as the LORD lives. 22 “But if I say to the youth, ‘Behold, the arrows are beyond you,’ go, for the LORD has sent you away. 23 As for the agreement of which you and I have spoken, behold, the LORD is between you and me forever.” (1 Sam. 20)
Jonathan’s plan was simple to let David know if his father was open to seeing David or if he still wanted to kill him. “I’ll go out for a little target practice in the field where you hid previously. You’ll hide near the massive stone we all call Ezel. I’ll fire three arrows with my bow and then send a boy to go and retrieve them. If I tell him to go and get them after I shoot them, and then you’ll know that’s the signal to return ‘home.’ If I yell, ‘The arrows are beyond you,’ then you know it’s time to get out of Dodge.’ And don’t forget that no matter what happens in this test, the covenant we cut as friends is forever.” What a friend. Are you the kind of friend who deals with a wild monkey that has brought chaos and destruction? I hope so.
What did David do? He followed Jonathan’s orders to a tee:
24 So David hid in the field; and when the new moon came, the king sat down to eat food. (1 Sam. 20)
The Discovery (1 Sam. 20:25-34)
The ensuing verses reveal what happened with the test David and Jonathan devised to discover if it was safe for David to return to be near the king:
25 And the king sat on his seat as usual, the seat by the wall; then Jonathan rose up and Abner sat down by Saul’s side, but David’s place was empty. (1 Sam. 20)
Why did Saul sit by a wall? I’ve been to dinner numerous times with former CIA operatives, and they always control where they sit so they can see the room and threats clearly. Saul was no dummy, so he at least let the wall protect his rear flank, and his side flank enjoyed the protection of his army commander, Abner, and across the table was his skilled and courageous warrior son, Jonathan. David’s seat, of course, was empty on day one.
The reality of David’s empty chair didn’t concern Saul, at first:
26 Nevertheless Saul did not speak anything that day, for he thought, “It is an accident, he is not clean, surely he is not clean.” (1 Sam. 20)
According to Leviticus chapters 11 through 15, a man could become defiled for a day by numerous things. So, Saul assumed on day one that David wasn’t present because of uncleanness.
I find this shocking in a way. His sin clouded his thinking. He could have easily concluded, “David is not here because I’ve tried to murder him multiple times.” That thought never crossed his warped, egotistical mind. Note to self: Your unconfessed jealousy and envy will cloud your thinking, too. Better to confess it and come clean before the Lord (1 John 1:9).
On day two, things changed radically.
27 And it came about the next day, the second day of the new moon, that David’s place was empty; so Saul said to Jonathan his son, “Why has the son of Jesse not come to the meal, either yesterday or today?” (1 Sam. 20)
David’s absence for two days was inexplicable and unacceptable of the potentate. Note well that he detests David so much that he will not even pronounce his name; instead, he chooses to identify him through his father. He should have said David’s name because he was God’s anointed king to replace him. But he wouldn’t utter it because he couldn’t stand him for all the wrong reasons.
Jonathan then stepped in an attempt to settle his father’s concern:
28 Jonathan then answered Saul, “David earnestly asked leave of me to go to Bethlehem, 29 for he said, ‘Please let me go, since our family has a sacrifice in the city, and my brother has commanded me to attend. And now, if I have found favor in your sight, please let me get away that I may see my brothers.’ For this reason, he has not come to the king’s table.” (1 Sam. 20)
Jonathan just embellished the lie David had previously told him. Should he have told the truth? Yes, however, in a life-or-death situation, this shading of the truth, based, again, on Graded Absolutism, was probably justified before God. Jonathan probably just inadvertently and innocently tipped his hand, too. The verbal phrase “let me get away” that Jonathan said David used, was employed by Saul when he confronted his deceptive daughter who helped David evade him: “Why have you deceived me thus and let my enemy go, so that he has escaped” (1 Sam. 19:17). The Hebrew in both contexts is malat (מלט). Had Saul really been listening, he might have connected the verbal dots and logically concluded that something nefarious was occurring.
At this point, the narrative takes a drastic and informative turn:
30 Then Saul’s anger burned against Jonathan and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you are choosing the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? 31 For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Therefore now, send and bring him to me, for he must surely die.” (1 Sam. 20)
Saul, the hot-head, exploded all over Jonathan like a wild monkey, calling him all kinds of nasty, derogatory words. Jesus couldn’t have been more correct:
21 From within people, from their hearts, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, 22 adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. (Mark 7)
What comes out of your mouth instantly illustrates what’s in your heart. If your jealousy and envy are triggered and you come out with F-bombs and all kinds of nasty, vile statements toward the cause of the trigger, then the condition of your heart is known to all. At that precise moment, Jonathan knew that his father hated David for no reason and only sought his death. Sad, but true.
What is ironic about this mental meltdown is that Jonathan was, in fact, the son of a rebellious father who disregarded God’s Word and the prophet for his net gain on more than one occasion. Saul didn’t want to do any introspection and uncover the darkness in his heart. He would rather feed his darkness, oppose God, and God’s anointed. As a sidenote, you must stop and ask yourself: What is it telling me about my heart when I am triggered? What am I going to do about what I learn and see? Saul saw and learned nothing. May you head in a different, healthier direction.
After Saul finished his evil, out-of-control tirade, Jonathan bravely spoke up:
32 But Jonathan answered Saul his father and said to him, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” (1 Sam. 20)
He stood his ground with his evil father by speaking the truth. His father’s opposition and blood lust toward David were unfounded, and Saul needed to wake up to this evil, but he didn’t. Instead, he doubled down on his hatred of David by attempting to kill his beloved son:
33 Then Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him down; so Jonathan knew that his father had decided to put David to death. 34 Then Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did not eat food on the second day of the new moon, for he was grieved over David because his father had dishonored him. (1 Sam. 20)
A test designed to determine whether his father would build or blast his broken relationship with David just accomplished its goal; however, it wasn’t what Jonathan or David wanted . . . just like the test Liz and I devised for our rendezvous at the pub that one night showed us, contrary to our wishes, that the friendship was over, leaving us free to move on. This is the central message of this ancient text:
A simple test in a testy situation provides wisdom and direction about how to proceed.
If you have a fractured friendship and you haven’t moved forward, like David did with Jonathan, to attempt to discover if it is repairable (because it is painful, I know, I get it), I think you need to devise a test and ask God to anoint it so you can know what you should do when the test is concluded.
Armed with the test results, Jonathan wasted no time informing his best friend.
The Disclosure (1 Sam. 20:35-41)
Jonathan headed out to the field in question with his bow, arrows, and a young, clueless attendant:
35 Now it came about in the morning that Jonathan went out into the field for the appointment with David, and a little lad was with him. 36 And he said to his lad, “Run, find now the arrows which I am about to shoot.” As the lad was running, he shot an arrow past him. 37 When the lad reached the place of the arrow which Jonathan had shot, Jonathan called after the lad, and said, “Is not the arrow beyond you?” 38 And Jonathan called after the lad, “Hurry, be quick, do not stay!” And Jonathan’s lad picked up the arrow and came to his master. 39 But the lad was not aware of anything; only Jonathan and David knew about the matter. 40 Then Jonathan gave his weapons to his lad and said to him, “Go, bring them to the city.” 41 When the lad was gone, David rose from the south side and fell on his face to the ground, and bowed three times. And they kissed each other and wept together, but David more. (1 Sam. 20)
Why did these grown men, these hardened warriors, weep?
- They wept because they knew their friendship would be complicated, not easy.
- They wept because the wild monkey didn’t want to be tamed, so that the broken relationship could be repaired to God’s glory.
- They wept because it would be hard to be close friends while David would be on the literal run.
- They wept because of what might have been.
Why did David weep more?
- He wept more because he knew the path to the God-ordained throne would be rocky and not restful.
- He wept more because he knew he would be on the run from a bloodthirsty and powerful man.
- He wept more because he would not be able to have a close, loving relationship with his wife.
- He wept because he was unjustly and unfairly hated, when all he wanted was to be a loyal friend and support to the king.
Liz and I have been down that hard, lonely road, too. It’s the one where a friendship is over, and the future doesn’t necessarily look easy. When that reality hits you in the face, it causes the floodgates of your heart to open for what could have been, but won’t be.
What helps when your heart is broken? Words from a good friend like Jonathan. He stepped forward and offered David what we can classify as . . .
The Dedication (1 Sam. 20:42)
Let’s read it:
42 And Jonathan said to David, “Go in safety, since we have sworn to each other in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD will be between me and you, and between my descendants and your descendants forever.'” Then he rose and departed, while Jonathan went into the city. (1 Sam. 20)
In so many words, Jonathan just said, “Say, buddy, may God guard and protect you where He leads you now, and never forget that my family and I will never forget you, and we will always be loyal to you. You will always have a home in our hearts, no matter how tough your life becomes. A door will always be open for you.” What man. What a friend.
If you have a friend going through a fractured friendship and they are grieving because their little test didn’t give them a positive outcome, I think you know what you need to say. So, pull up alongside them and say what they need to hear to equip them to go forward. For me, that friend was another friend God sent my way at the right time. His name? Rick Sealy, the head of homicide in our county. When we struggled as a couple, he and his wife, Dennise, didn’t put wind in our sails. They put love in our hearts and steel in our spiritual walks. I trust God will give you a Rick, a Dennise, or a Jonathan.
[1] Brown, Francis, Drive, Rolles, Briggs, Enhanced Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon-BDB: pp. 305-306: 1. specif. lovingkindness: a. in redemption from enemies and troubles Gn 19:19; 39:21 (J), Ex 15:13 (song), Je 31:3; Ezr 7:28; 9:9 ψ 21:8; 31:17, 22; 32:10; 33:22; 36:8, 11; 42:9; 44:27; 48:10; 59:17; 66:20; 85:8; 90:14; 94:18; 107:8, 15, 21, 31; 143:8, 12; Jb 37:13; Ru 1:8; 2:20; men should trust in it ψ 13:6; 52:10; rejoice in it ψ 31:8; hope in it ψ 33:18; 147:11. b. in preservation of life from death ψ 6:5; 86:13 Jb 10:12. c. in quickening of spiritual life ψ 109:26; 119:41, 76, 88, 124, 149, 159. d. in redemption from sin, ψ 25:7; 51:3. e. in keeping the covenants, with Abraham Mi 7:20; with Moses and Israel שׁמר הַבְּרִית וְ(הַ)חֶסֶד keepeth the covenant and the lovingkindness Dt 7:9, 12; 1 K 8:23 = 2 Ch 6:14, Ne 1:5; 9:32; Dn 9:4; with David and his dynasty 2 S 7:15 = 1 Ch 17:13, 2 S 22:51 = ψ 18:51, 1 K 3:6() = 2 Ch 1:8, ψ 89:29, 34; with the wife Zion Is 54:10. 2. חֶסֶד is grouped with other divine attributes: חסד ואמת kindness (lovingkindness) and fidelity Gn 24:27 (J), ψ 25:10; 40:11, 12; 57:4; 61:8; 85:11; 89:15; 115:1; 138:2; עשׂה ח׳ ואמת עם 2 S 2:6; 15:20 (𝔊, v. Dr); c. אֶת־ Gn 24:49; רַב ח׳ ואמת Ex 34:6 (JE), ψ 86:15; also || אמת Mi 7:20 ψ 26:3; 117:2; || אֱמוּנָה ψ 88:12; 89:3; 92:3; אמונה וח׳ ψ 89:25; ח׳ ואמונה ψ 98:3; || רחמים ψ 77:9; ח׳ ורחמים Je 16:5; Ho 2:21 ψ 103:4; ח׳ ומשׁפט Je 9:23 ψ 101:1; || צדקה ψ 36:11; טוב וח׳ ψ 23:6. 3. the kindness of God is a. abundant: רַב־חֶסֶד abundant, plenteous in kindness (goodness) Nu 14:18 (J), Ne 9:17 (Qr), Jo 2:13; Jon 4:2 ψ 86:5; 103:8 (cf. Ex 34:6 JE; ψ 86:15); רֹב חַסְדְּךָ Ne 13:22 ψ 5:8; 69:14; 106:7 (𝔊 𝔙 Aq 𝔗, to be preferred to MT חֲסָדֶיךָ); רֹב חֲסָדָו֯ La 3:32 ψ 106:45 (Kt 𝔊 in both to be preferred). b. great in extent: גֹּדֶל ח׳ greatness of thy mercy Nu 14:19 (J); גְּדָו֯ל־ח׳ ψ 145:8; it is kept for thousands Ex 34:7[1]
