What’s the right dynamic for a healthy marriage? Join Dr. Marty Baker as he unpacks Colossians 3:18-19, explores what biblical ‘submission’ means, and highlights the balance of love and respect — all in the latest installment of The Connection That Counts series.
At this juncture, we should all be quite familiar with the main motif of Colossians 3:5-4:6. In case you need a refresher, here it is:
Your Christian Life Should Always Be Moving From The Old Life To the New Life (Col. 3:5-4:6)
Paul develops this powerful, practical point in light of the lofty view of who Jesus is that he carefully articulated in chapters 1 and 2. His point is well-taken: Because of who Jesus is as the God-man/Redeemer/Savior, those who know Him by faith should devote their lives to living for him. Translated, they should, as Paul demonstrates with a clothing metaphor, constantly put off the character of the old, sinful self, while striving, by the Spirit’s power and leading (Eph. 5:18), to exhibit Christlike character traits.
In chapter 3, verses 5-17, Paul shows how the characters’ switch in clothing affects you. Turning in verse 18, Paul reveals how this faith relationship with Jesus, the true Lord and God, should impact other parts of your life. In verses 18-19, he begins with simple commands on clothing for married Christ followers. If you want to know how to have a happy, meaningful, and lasting marriage, then listen up. What Paul will share is not his idea, but the Lord’s. Implementing these commands will, therefore, help strengthen your marriage if it is weak, and take it to a whole other level of satisfaction and joy if you are doing well as a Christian couple.
By way of a quick review, here is how this passage breaks down structurally, or how Paul strategically and thoughtfully develops his argument:
The Identification of the Right Clothing (Col. 3:18-19)
Married people want to know. How do you build a meaningful marriage? How do you fix an unhealthy one? What does God say? And if you are not married yet, these are questions you definitely need answers to as well, so I challenge you to seriously consider Paul’s teaching here and begin to build it into your current relationship (which may turn out to be the one that leads to wedding bells).
So, what garments and what character traits create marriages that are not only amazing but also serve as points of spiritual light for those lost in sin and darkness? At this point, I could stop and point you to all the wonderful Christian books written to enrich your marriage. All of those books also contain many biblically proven ways to build a marriage that not only endures, but is also quite exciting and enjoyable.
- How We Love by West Coast counselors Milan and Kay Yerkovich. This book, built on the vast number of marriages they’ve helped over the years, shows you the four inferior forms of love that negatively impact marriages. Once you identify which one might be yours, then the authors show you how to repair those inferior love-types with ones that God approves of. Great book.
- Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is one of my absolute favorite studies on how to fix marriages that are caught up in what he correctly calls The Crazy Cycle. In this cycle, the man fails to love his wife as she desires, and she responds by failing to respect him. When she doesn’t respect him, he gets angry and decides to continue his unloving ways. She counters his obstinacy by choosing not to respect him. No wonder it is called The Crazy Cycle. I’ve been on it one too many times, and it is tiring. The good doctor shows you how to break this sick cycle and get onto what he calls The Energizing Cycle.
As helpful as these books are, what Paul says in these two verses in Colossians is really THE prescription for kindling and preserving the flame of your marriage fire. It all has to do with wearing the right kinds of spiritual garments.
Garment #12: Submission (Col. 3:18)
Who should do the submitting? Wives. Who should they submit to? Their husbands. Here is how Paul sets up the command:
18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. (Col. 3)
18 Αἱ γυναῖκες, ὑποτάσσεσθε τοῖς ἀνδράσιν ὡς ἀνῆκεν ἐν κυρίῳ.
Before we look at this command, permit me to share a few foundational thoughts:
- Realize I cannot possibly cover every type of marriage combination. In some marriages, the woman is more of a leader than the man, and in others it’s the opposite. Either way, the command of Paul still stands but it may have to be nuanced to your situation.
- Realize Paul is speaking to Christians about marriage.
- Realize that marriage is a two-way street, a mutual obligation. So, if you are a husband, don’t get too excited that Paul speaks to wives here, for he will have plenty to say to you in verse 19.
Now, with these thoughts in mind, join me in analyzing verse 18.
The present-tense nature of the imperative, hupotasso (ὑποτάσσεσθε), emphasizes the need for ongoing application throughout marriage. The imperative also stresses that this is not a suggestion but a crucial command for building a marriage on rock, not sand. It revolves, in part, on the wife’s submission to the husband.
The very word “submission,” of course, sets off alarm bells in our progressive culture. Why? Our culture is big on stressing how we are all equal, and before God we are; however, this does not mean there is no submission. The Greek word for submission was a military term denoting deference among officers, down to the lowest-ranking soldier. Thomas’s New American Standard Hebrew-Aramaic and Greek Dictionaries provides this helpful lexical definition:
5293. ὑποτάσσω hupotassō; from 5259 and 5021; to place or rank under, to subject, mid. to obey:—put in subjection(5), subject(16), subjected(7), subjecting(1), subjection(4), submissive(3), submit(2).
Submission between the ranks is what makes militaries successful and powerful, which is good. Hence, while a one-star is just a person, like a Master-Sergeant, the military unit they are involved in functions well only when the Master-Sergeant submits to the one-star’s leadership. One of my father’s cousins, Perry, a lowly private in the U.S. Army during World War II, fought under General Patton. When I asked him what he thought of the famous officer, he said, “I hated him, but if you were in a fight for your life, there was no better person to be with.” Submission brought victory as Patton’s armored troops followed his leadership. Chaos and defeat would have ensued had those troops chosen to pick and choose what commands they wanted to follow and those they thought were outlandish. Submission, therefore, is what makes the world go round, whether it is submission between ranks within the military, or submission to a coach as a team member, and so forth. The word and concept, in and of themselves, are not negative but positive.
Theologically, the three members of the Holy Trinity are all God, but we know there is mutual submission. Jesus, the second member of the Trinity, submits to the will of the Father, and the Spirit submits to the will of Jesus and Father. Consider, for instance, how many times in the Gospel of John that Jesus says He came because He was sent by the Father (John 1:33; 4:34; 5:24, 30, 36, 37; 6:38, 39, 44, 57; 7:16, 28, 29, 33, et al, Latin for “and others”). This truth moves Pastor R. Kent Hughes to conclude correctly:
“There is a hierarchy in the Holy Trinity, and yet equality. Orthodoxy teaches that the Son is simultaneously equal to the Father and submissive to him. Likewise, equality and submissiveness can coexist in human relationships, including the marriage relationship.”
Submission, therefore, is a positive concept, not a negative one as our culture typically asserts. True, submission can be used in a dictatorial, demanding way by some clueless, arrogant husbands, resulting in the wife feeling like a proverbial doormat. Still, this misuse of the term doesn’t abrogate its divinely designed benefit when exercised by a Christ-honoring wife.
For Paul, God created a hierarchical arrangement in marriage. In Ephesians, another Prison Epistle, Paul probably wrote in the summer of 62 A.D., validates this premise:
22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything (Eph. 5).
The Christian husband, of course, is to be in submission to the Lord, so this truth, by definition, breathes life into the concept of submission for the wife. How so? If he is following the Lord’s design for husbands, which we will discuss in verse 19 of Colossians 3, then her submission will not be slavish but enjoyable and protective. More on that in a moment.
What is the model for the submission of the wife to her husband? Answer? Her submission to Jesus, as her Lord and Savior. The adverbial comparative, hos (ὡς) in the second clause of verse 18, tells us this much. The wife is to submit to the man’s leadership, as she is supposed to in her relationship with Jesus. If she does this, there is peace, tranquility, and joy in the marriage; if not, if she chooses to throw off the man’s leadership, to work against him, or to undermine his God-given authority, then the marriage will, by definition, fracture at many levels, resulting in a less than optimal relationship. Submission to the Christian husband’s leadership is, therefore, the key to marital effectiveness.
This, I think, leads to a logical question: Are there times when the wife should not submit? Yes. If your husband asks you to do something immoral, morally edgy, criminal, or would contradict your faith and sound doctrine, then you must stand your ground on truth. I’ll let you consider examples you can, I’m sure, easily come up with.
Here is another timely question: Does this biblical mandate mean the wife has no say-so in the relationship, that she is not free to give her input and analysis on life’s challenges and opportunities? No. After being happily married to my best friend, Liz, for 46 years, I think I know how biblical submission works. Biblical submission means you talk in depth about everything. You share pros and cons about decisions that need to be made. And then, after much discussion and prayer, and possibly after receiving much-needed counsel from other mature saints, the husband makes the final decision, and the wife supports him wholeheartedly.
For instance, we just purchased an induction oven. Our current electric stove works well, but is nowhere as powerful as the gas stove we had in our California home. So, since Liz loves to cook and is frequently frustrated at how long it takes to cook on an electric stove, we decided to purchase an induction oven. Over the past year, I have read countless articles about various brands, and we have visited several stores to study the options available. I took her input, after all, she’s the one who will be cooking on it, and after much analysis, I made the final decision to purchase a KitchenAid commercial model.
I could have responded as a dictator told her when she came to me with her frustration with our current, fairly new stove, “Are you kidding me? You want a new stove? No way, yours is paid for and works well, so get used to it. I won’t support spending any money on an induction oven until your current model gives up the ghost.” That would have been sinful for me to respond in that fashion, correct? I, conversely, love my wife, respect her thoughts, stay tuned into what she’s experiencing in life, and desire to help her after we talk as a couple. You can ask her. I don’t always say “yes,” but I do treat her as my equal before God by respecting and loving her enough to listen to her, and if things seem right and proper, I am not afraid to fulfill my God-given role and make a decision.
So, let me pose an important question to Christian wives. Are you currently submitting to your husband’s leadership? Or do you chafe against it? Do you undermine him when you don’t like his leadership? Do you work against him? Do you say things like, “No man is going to tell me how to spend the family’s money”? “No man is going to tell me when I can put something on a charge card,” “No man is going to tell me I have to live within the confines of a budget, or when our daughter should get her next ear piercing.” I use finances as illustrations because the last time I checked, 75% of marriages that have difficulties say those problems are directly related to money. Chances are your marriage is no exception.
But you say, “My husband is not a Christian, so I don’t need to submit to him,” or “My husband is a weak, carnal Christian, so I don’t need to submit because I am spiritually more mature.” Paul’s command didn’t leave you this option. Neither did Peter:
1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. (1 Pet. 3)
Godly, humble submission, contrary to what the culture or what your heart says, is the sure-fire, proven way to get your husband’s attention and get him to either come to Christ in faith, or to (finally) grow and mature in the faith.
If you desire a great marriage, we know the garment God wants you to wear with great honor. It’s called submission to your husband. As submission within the Holy Trinity breeds unity and peace, your submission will also have the same result if you will but lean on the Lord’s leadership, and not on your own wisdom.
A successful marriage is, in the final analysis, a two-way street, isn’t it? Indeed. So, if you are a husband sitting here right now and thinking, “Yeah, Pastor, let my wife have it. It’s about time someone said something to get her attention. Hallelujah,” then I have news for you. God has a garment you need to wear while your wife works on hers.
Garment #13: Love (Col. 3:19)
Paul’s words are clear and concise to Christian husbands:
19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. (Col. 3)
19 Οἱ ἄνδρες, ἀγαπᾶτε τὰς γυναῖκας καὶ μὴ πικραίνεσθε πρὸς αὐτάς. (Col. 3)
The command agapate (ἀγαπᾶτε) is another present-tense imperative calling for perpetual observance in your life. This is the first of two commands for the husband. The first is positive, while the second is negative.
What type of love is Paul talking about? Not eros, or erotic, sexual love. Not phileo, or brotherly or friendship love. Not storge or familial affection. He is talking about divine, agape love.
- Agape love is sacrificial, unconditional, selfless, thoughtful, caring, and concerned. Agape love loves spending time with the beloved, the wife.
- Agape love loves to hear what she is thinking, what she is facing, what fears she is experiencing, how she is faring with a situation at work, what she is struggling with, and so forth.
- Agape love forgives her when she falters.
- Agape love protects her when she is mistreated.
- Agape love realizes that keeping romance alive for many years takes hard work. So it motivates the Christian husband to order flowers for his wife, to go on walks with her in the morning or evening, with buying her something special she told you she wanted, with taking her to her favorite restaurant, with writing her loving texts throughout the day, with planning fun vacations with her, and so forth.
- Agape love will sacrifice for her. Yes, agape love will move you to give up those free tickets to a Nats game because there is another event she wants you to attend with her. Agape love will cause you to pull out of a golf outing with your buddies for the second day off this month because she really needs you to spend some quality time with her.
- Agape love realizes that you must love her as Christ loved the Church, which means you would even give your life for her: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). If you would sacrifice your life so she could live, then giving up a fishing trip to work on your marriage, or help her navigate a thorny issue with your teens will not be a problem, right?
I read a story years ago about a husband and wife who both wound up in different parts of a retirement home. He was somewhat healthy and strong, but she had Alzheimer’s and had to be put in a secure unit for her safety. What did he do? Every day, he walked over to her unit, got buzzed in, and then spent the day holding her hand, feeding her, and talking with her, even when she didn’t know who he was anymore. Friend. That is agape love. That is divine love. Show me a husband who exhibits it, and I’ll show you a wife who will have no problem following his leadership. Show me a husband who loves his dear wife as Christ loves her, and I’ll show you a marriage made in heaven. So what about it, men? If you are Christian men and husbands, will you commit to grow in your agape love toward your wife, toward the most special gift the Lord has given to you? Will you ask for divine forgiveness for not loving her as you should? Do this, and the Lord will cleanse, restore, and empower you to be the kind of man who builds a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
One more thing. Paul adds a negative command for Christian husbands.
19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. (Col. 3)
19 Οἱ ἄνδρες, ἀγαπᾶτε τὰς γυναῖκας καὶ μὴ πικραίνεσθε πρὸς αὐτάς. (Col. 3)
The Greek for embittered, pikrainesthe (πικραίνεσθε) is derived from the root pikraino
(πικραίνω) that speaks of causing bitterness by being harsh. The NIV translation picks up this lexical emphasis:
9 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. (Col. 3)
Ah, now you can understand what Paul commands: Don’t harshly treat your wife.” Woa. That is convicting.
What does harsh treatment look like? You hurl curse words at her when you are mad. Your derogatory words demean her. You are hyper-critical of everything she says, does, or wears. You use biting sarcasm. Sure, you say you are just being funny, but in reality, you are not. You talk in a mean fashion.
A Christian man I knew over thirty years ago had a wife who was once a beauty queen. At the time, she was tall, slender, and beautiful. After the birth of a child, however, her body began to change, and she started struggling with her weight. Within a few years, she put on around 100 pounds, so she looked completely different from the woman he had married.
He, an athlete who was still in good shape, wasted no time berating her more often than not to her face and to others. I’m sure he thought this technique would motivate her to lose weight. It didn’t. It only made things worse.
One day, as we sat in my office, she pulled up in the parking lot. As she opened the car door, he said, “Hey, pastor, turn around and watch how much the car lifts off the ground when she gets out.”
I immediately confronted him over his vile, vicious words because they were far afield from what Paul taught husbands about the right and wrong way to speak to and about a wife.
What about you? Are you guilty of using harsh language toward the love of your life? If so, the Lord waits to hear your confession, to restore you, and to empower you to start talking like a loving man.
If you already are a man who speaks with love toward your wife, may your tribe increase. May the Lord guard your heart and give you the strength to continue to grow and flourish in this important trait.
We’ve all heard the old saying, Marriages are made in heaven. Clint Eastwood slyly added once, “but so are thunder and lightning.” In reality, marriages that honor God, that are exciting and enjoyable, that withstand the tests of time, that point people to God, are made right here on earth by Christian men and women who are committed to two timeless commands God gave us through Paul’s pen. Command number one: Christian wives should know how to be submissive to their husbands and their leadership. Command number two: Christian husbands should love their wives with a divine sort of love, and they should treat their wives in a tender, loving, protective fashion. Command number three: husbands should speak in a kind manner toward their wives. Do you? Will you? Go forth and obey these commands, and you will be amazed at what will happen to your marriage.
