Colossians gives us a window into the attributes that foster healthy child/parent relationships. Join Pastor Marty Baker as he walks us through 3:20-21 and continues to unpack the characteristics of new life in Jesus.
Liz and I like to drink water as much as possible. We don’t like straight water, so we buy those flavored powders available at Costco. She pours an entire packet into each water bottle, but for my taste, I use just half of a pouch. Either way, the goal is for the flavored powder to affect the entire bottle with just a little shake.
Imagine how disappointed you would be if you added the powder, shook the bottle, and only discovered that pockets of water had somehow resisted the powder and remained plain water. You would want either your money back or a detailed report from a qualified scientist on how this happened. Why would you feel this way? Because the powder is designed to change the flavor of all of the water.
Apply this same reasoning to your faith in Jesus Christ. The redeeming power of the gospel changes your position eternally from death to life; however, the intended design of the gospel is to eventually, like the flavored powder, change all aspects of your life. We see this truth in the structure of Paul’s letter to the Colossian church. Chapters 1 and 2 speak about the supremacy of Jesus as the true God and Savior, which, at the moment of faith, changes your spiritual position before a holy God. Chapters 3 through 4 reveal how that wonderful position should filter down into your entire life.
Paul doesn’t use a flavored-water metaphor to explain how this occurs. He employs the imagery of changing clothes. After you are saved, your position is holy; however, now, as your will submits to the Spirit’s leadership, you are convicted to take off the old sinful clothing or character and replace it with holy clothing. That change leads to practical holiness, and it should increase throughout your life. The chart we have supplied and studied illustrates this process:
Again, the main motif of the passage is easy to see:
Your Christian Life Should Always Be Moving From The Old Life To the New Life (Col. 3:5-4:6)
This premise raises some logical and practical questions: How are you faring in allowing your faith in Christ to change the type of spiritual clothing you wear on a given day? Are you making progress? What or who is tripping you up in fulfilling this divine mandate? What will you do to alleviate this so you can actually move forward for a change?
Turning from these questions to the text, we are reminded of how the power of the risen Lord in our lives is designed to impact all of our lives. In verses 18 through 19, we learned how the gospel should change how women relate to their husbands, and how husbands are properly and effectively to love and lead their wives. With verses 20 through 21, we see how the gospel impacts how Christian children should respond to their parents, and how parents, namely, the fathers, first and foremost, should love and lead their children. Paul acquaints us with these concepts by means of introducing garments 14 and 15. As you consider these, you need to ask yourself: Does this garment apply to me, and what am I doing to ensure I am wearing it as a lifestyle?
The Identification of the Right Clothing (Col. 3:12-4:6)
Garment #14: Obedient Children (Col. 3:20)
Paul didn’t miss anyone in his commands, did he? Nope. Here he zeroes in on Christian children. He lets them know up front what Jesus expects from them:
20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. (Col. 3)
Colossians 3:20 Τὰ τέκνα, ὑπακούετε τοῖς γονεῦσιν κατὰ πάντα, τοῦτο γὰρ εὐάρεστόν ἐστιν ἐν κυρίῳ.
Children who know Jesus, by faith, have a spiritual and moral responsibility to submit to the leadership of their parents, just as the mother submits to the father, and the father submits to the leadership of the Lord. Submission creates peace and tranquility in a family. Rebellion, conversely, creates chaos and angst. We all know this is true, too. Show me a family where the children listen to and obey their parents, and I’ll show you a family that is happy and peaceful. On the contrary, show me a family where the children blow off what the parents say, and I’ll show you a family in constant turmoil.
Paul’s teaching here is, once again, built on a command, not a suggestion: The command here in Greek is hupakouo (ὑπακούω). It is a combination of the preposition, hupo, which means “under,” wedded to the verb, akouo, to hear. Literally, this word combination means to listen under someone, or, as here, to listen under the speaking and teaching of your parents. The preposition wedded to the verb, according to Bruce Metzger, a renowned Greek grammarian, creates a major emphasis that can be seen in English by supplying the word, really. Hence, “Children, you need to be really obedient to your parents,” or “Children, you need to really listen to and follow what your parents tell you.” If you are a Christian child or teen right now, then this timeless command is for you.
I wouldn’t say I, as a strong-willed child, always applied this life-transformative command. When my parents went out on a date one evening, my father left me with a clear command: do not hit your older sister, Marla. They no sooner closed the door, and this cute little blond teen looked at me and said, “You are mine. I can do stuff to you, and you can’t do anything about it.” At that point, she began pinching my cheeks really hard. Within a few seconds, I reached my limit, so I punched her one time really hard in the gut. As she groped for air, I laughed my head off. When she relayed my sinful choice to my father later, believe me, the laughing quickly went out of me.
How should you live as a Christian child? You should live to implement what your parents say because they love you and are wiser than you. So, when they give you a directive, your goal as a maturing Christian should be to quickly implement that directive with no argumentation, debate, or foot-dragging.
- Clear off the table after dinner, please. Yes, sir.
- Take out the trash and then bring in the trash cans at the end of the day. Yes, sir.
- Make your bed and straighten up your room before you leave for school. Yes, sir.
- Keep your arms and elbows off the table while we eat. Yes, sir.
- Don’t stab your brother with a fork while you eat. Yes, sir.
- Don’t open the door for strangers. Yes, sir.
- Please, turn your phone off and have some tech downtime. Yes, sir.
- Eat all of your broccoli because it is good for you. Yes, sir.
You get the drill, don’t you?
Why is it good for you to listen to and obey your parents? Let me count the reasons.
- First, Paul says your obedience is “well-pleasing to the Lord,” meaning it makes the Lord happy with you. What Christian child or teen wouldn’t want Jesus to be smiling at you as He watches you in action?
- Second, obedience makes your parents happy, and happy parents will make your life pleasant.
- Third, obeying your parents shows you how to love God. How so? Consider what Jesus says in John 14, verse 23: “Jesus answered and said to him, ‘If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him, and make Our abode with him” (John 14). Obedience to your parents’ commands sets you up for being obedient to the Lord’s commands, and in this, you grow in your love for Him.
- Fourth, obedience to parents builds trust, and trust is like owning a gold mine. A trustworthy child will find that their parents will eventually let them do more things with little to no supervision.
- Fifth, obedience to parents translates into obedience to others in authority over you, like teachers, policemen, judges, coaches, piano teachers, counselors, team captains, master sergeants, and so forth. Put differently, obedience in the home logically leads to peace and tranquility in the culture. As a side note, what is going on with our culture? Seems like street takeovers by wild, raucous, and sometimes violent teens, flash mob robberies of mom and pop grocery stores, and mass teen takeovers of amusement parks and beaches that are accompanied by fights and mayhem are the norm. I would submit these are occurring on a large scale because there is little to no discipline and obedience in the home. I can tell you that if my father caught me in a flash mob, that would be the last time I’d show up there. Obedience to parental authority, therefore, is the glue that holds society together. This means that parents are to be the rule givers in their families, and the enforcers of punishment when said rules are broken. God calls their children to follow their parents’ dictates so that they can grow up to be great saints and great citizens.
So, what about it? If you are a child or teen right now who loves Christ, does this love translate into love and respect for your parents’ words?
But I’m sure you have a question at this point. Paul said children are to obey their parents in all things. Are there ever exceptions to this rule, or is obedience supposed to be total regardless of what the parents say? Here is how I’d answer this pivotal question. If a parent wants you to do something immoral, you can’t do that. If they want you to do something contrary to your faith. You can’t do that. If they want you to do something you feel is a gray moral area and you’d rather not do it, then don’t. You shouldn’t obey if it requires you to do something dangerous or potentially deadly. You shouldn’t obey a parent if they command you to keep physical, emotional, or sexual abuse a family secret. Other than this, listen to your parents and quickly obey them so that they are honored, Christ is honored, and life will go well for you.
Ah, but there is another question. Does this mean I have to obey my parents completely when I’m an adult with my own children? Good question. The short answer is, No. You are called to honor them, but once you are an adult, you are, in a sense, a peer of your parents. Yes, you should obey them insofar as they ask reasonable things of you. But they are not in a position to, say, tell you how to discipline your children, when your children should be able to have an iPhone, when you should purchase a new car, and so forth. You can listen to their wisdom and counsel, but they aren’t in a position to give commands per se.
Finally, I would add that Paul’s command for Christian children to obey their parents assumes the parents have rules, regulations, and discipline built into their daily leadership. Wisdom calls for a balance in all of this. Too many rules and regulations, and the child will feel like they live in a prison. Too few rules and regulations, and the child will grow up doing whatever they want to. In his helpful book, Child-Rearing & Personality Development, Paul Meier, of the Minirth-Meier clinics and my former professor in grad school, provides an excellent chart on parenting styles. You will fit into one quadrant of this chart.
Meier describes the various styles as follows.
The authoritarian parent is rigid and demands a great deal of their children. This style, however, is less sensitive to children’s needs and desires, so parents are not as responsive as they should be. These parents expect instant obedience and impose instant punishment if it isn’t rendered. Rules are rarely explained. The parents want obedience. Period. This style tends to develop children who are not independent and self-sufficient. Children in these types of families are also hostile (mostly boys) and possess a lack of goals (typically girls).
The indifferent approach has few demands on the children. As with an authoritarian parent, this parent doesn’t care too much about the feelings and desires of the children. This type of parent is also not very involved with their children, choosing just to let them do what they want. When it comes to children’s disobedience, sometimes there is a response from the parent (typically yelling), and sometimes there is none because they don’t really care. Children from these families tend to be highly aggressive and to demand a lot from others.
The permissive parenting style focuses on children’s needs and wants but makes few demands of them. The children tend to be out of control because the parents don’t establish rules and regulations. So, the children pretty much do as they want. Usually, there is little to no discipline for misbehavior because the parent is trying to be friends with the children instead of being a parent. This style is also more likely to produce children who are hostile, withdrawn, and highly dependent.
The authoritative parent has strong expectations of their children and makes and enforces the rules. This parent is in control but realistic in their expectations. They are also sensitive to the child’s needs and desires, and they know that each child is wired differently. The needs of the child are typically more important than holding to every rule all of the time. There is some give-and-take in family discussions, but the parent has the final say. These types of parents typically raise children who are independent, self-sufficient, and have good self-esteem.
Which style is the biblical one? I think it is the last one. Why? Parents are called to lead their families by establishing rules and regulations with clear repercussions for infractions; however, they are also called to listen to and care for the child God has entrusted to them. In the final analysis, may the Lord give you wisdom on fine-tuning your parenting so that it makes the obedience of your children easier as opposed to harder.
And if you are a child or a teen, may the Spirit give you the inner desire to obey your parents.
In verse 21, Paul turns to address fathers directly.
Garment #15: Wise Fathers (Col. 3:21)
Paul’s words are not hard to understand, just challenging to apply on an everyday basis if you are honest.
21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart (Col. 3)
Colossians 3:21 Οἱ πατέρες, μὴ ἐρεθίζετε τὰ τέκνα ὑμῶν, ἵνα μὴ ἀθυμῶσιν
The imperative here, erethizete (ἐρεθίζετε), is preceded by a negative particle (μὴ). Grammatically, this can denote a command that forbids an action in progress at the time. Dana and Mantey’s A Manual Grammar of the Greek New Testament supports this conclusion: “But a prohibition in the present imperative mes to forbid the continuance of an act; it commands to quit doing a thing . . . (1) Thus a prohibition expressed with the present tense demands the cessation of some act that is already in progress.[1] Additional Scriptures validate the use of the imperative like this:
Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Matthew 19:14 ὁ δὲ Ἰησοῦς εἶπεν· ἄφετε τὰ παιδία καὶ μὴ κωλύετε αὐτὰ ἐλθεῖν πρός με, τῶν γὰρ τοιούτων ἐστὶν ἡ βασιλεία τῶν οὐρανῶν.
Luke 1:30 The angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; for you have found favor with God.
Luke 1:30 Καὶ εἶπεν ὁ ἄγγελος αὐτῇ, Μὴ φοβοῦ, Μαριάμ· εὗρες γὰρ χάριν παρὰ τῷ θεῷ.
This is a general rule, but it is not ironclad, nor essential, as Daniel Wallace points out in his Greek Grammar Beyond the Basics (p. 717, see footnote #15 at the bottom of the page). Why is this grammatical nuance important, you ask? Because it demonstrates that Christian parents are not immune from exasperating their children. What does this mean?
The Greek for exasperate, erethizo (ἐρεθίζω), is defined well by Danker:
ἐρεθίζω [= Hom. ἐρέθω ‘provoke, trouble’] ‘rouse by challenging’, the more usual neg. sense vex, harass Col 3:21; by rhetorical ext. in positive sense challenge 2 Cor 9:2.[2]
Ah, now it should make more sense, right?
Let’s count the ways that spiritually immature fathers, and mothers, vex and harass their children.
- You discipline them for things they didn’t do.
- You discipline them too harshly.
- You belittle and make fun of them.
- You are physically mean, and they can’t stop you because of their limited size.
- You embarrass them in front of their friends.
- You pick at them constantly, and you are never pleased with their progress.
- Your discipline fluctuates.
- You withhold love and affection when the children don’t do as you say.
- You always invalidate their feelings.
- You constantly find fault with them.
- You are always angry so that they will react to you with anger. Don’t be shocked.
- Your rules are built on double standards that don’t apply conveniently to you. (Matt. 23:28). When you look and act like a Pharisee, the children will see it. When you do it enough, it will eventually anger them.
- You show favoritism toward one child over the other.
- You frequently interrupt them without really listening to them.
- You break your promises more often than not. (Matt. 5:37)
- You discuss their mistakes in a public setting to bring maximum shame to them. (Matt. 18:15).
- You call for absolute obedience without ever explaining why the rule is important. Trip word: Do as I say. Don’t question me.
- You ignore them, especially when you are watching an athletic event.
- You don’t ever admit a wrong. Wise people don’t live like this (Matt. 5:22-26; James 5:16).
Are you guilty of doing any of these things to your children? If so, stop, repent, and ask the Lord for the strength to speak positively, to weave love into all that you say and do, and to look for how to build up instead of blasting.
Why should you get to work on this fast? Paul gives us the answer. If you don’t get a handle on your weak parenting model, then chances are good that you will crush the heart and will of your child. You will drive them away from you. You will cause them not to want to know you. You will make them emotionally distant rather than close. I read once that you can break a new horse in two ways. The long way involves first putting a bridle in its mouth, placing a blanket on its back, then mounting a saddle, and so forth. The short way involves hitting the horse hard in the legs to let it know who is in control. The latter way works, but horsemen say that the horse will be obedient, but it will never reach its full potential. Which way will you do in rearing your horses? Take the kinder, gentler, and slower approach, and you will build their self-esteem, give them greater confidence, and prepare them to go forth as wise and mature followers of Jesus Christ who will accomplish much for Him.
[1] H. E. Dana and Julius R. Mantey, A Manual Grammar of the Greek New Testament (Ontario, Canada: The Macmillan Company, 1955), 301-302.
[2] Frederick Danker, Greek New Testament Lexicon (Chicago: The University Press, 1979), 391.
